


Gray Flowers

by GenericUserHere



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Less comfort than hurt honestly, Mental Health Issues, Other, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Trilingual Alexander Hamilton, Writing, but it's mild i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 01:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17132450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenericUserHere/pseuds/GenericUserHere
Summary: Alexander was outside. Alexander was sad, and they were outside, barely dressed, in the freezing cold, waiting for death to finally just hurry up and come already.





	Gray Flowers

Alexander was outside. It was cold, they realized only in the most distant of ways, the way one notices the people around them when they’re wrapped up in a deep conversation, knowing they’re there but not sparing them any thought beyond that simple knowing. The fresh air, cold though it may be, felt nice on their skin, refreshing. Dressed only in a tank top and the shortest of shorts, nothing on their feet, they knew their novio would be scandalized to find them there, but couldn’t help but stand outside, right in front of the clear glass sliding doors, and savor the way the cold air was biting into their skin, leaving their cheeks and nose cherry red, their feet the coldest as their toes wiggled on the freezing fake wood of the deck, the temperature bringing a sort of clarity into their usually manic thoughts, not to say that their brain wasn’t still thinking at the same fast rate as it always did, thoughts flitting in and out like flies, almost before they could truly recognize them, but now the flies were simply idle thoughts about how pretty the moonlight was as it glistened in the fresh puddles from the earlier on the concrete beyond the dark brown railing of the deck, noting how still everything was on this night, as if even the smallest of furry animals, or the most resilient of insects, were safe inside their warmer homes for the time being, hiding from the bitter cold as Alex hid from what was inside the home behind them, the always being on, feeling as if their ideas were simply being humored by their partner, hiding the depression and anxiety in the darkest corners of their mind to spare their cariño their dark thoughts, never knowing if they would be thrown out into the cold to stay this time, if-

The door behind them slid open suddenly, and they were yanked back inside by a strong grip on their bicep, and as they were hit with the warm air of inside their house, Alex realized a couple of things. The first thing they noticed is that they were shivering, so hard it could be almost be classified as convulsive, and the second thing they noticed is that their datemate was fussing over them, chattering at them in French, “Mon Dieu! Mon amour, que faisais-tu dans le froid? Il suffit de te regarder, ici, viens, nous devons te réchauffer. Oh, tu es aussi froid que la glace...” But Alex just tuned it all out, twisted to look longingly towards the outside, through the glass doors where the cold clarity reigned their thoughts, turning the haze of depression that had ruled their every thought as they stayed inside that night into something quieter, more peaceful, the only true quiet they had ever known in this life, a break in the routine of always going, always moving, always fighting, always debating, forcing their opponents to see their side of things, never bending their views to see anyone else’s way of looking at things, so certain they were right. And then their frosty respite was removed from their line of sight as their head was turned back around with a gentle pressure from long fingers, to bring their face around to see their love’s worried Brown eyes, their love who seemed to have asked a question as Alex was longing for the outside, realizing they were wrapped in a thick quilt yet still shivering, although the twisting feeling in their stomach was telling them it wasn’t shivering anymore so much as it was shaking, panic welling at being forced from their mind-and-body-numbing hideout too soon, snatched back from death as they were about to finally see the face of the grim reaper they had been dodging their entire life, as the question was repeated, the owner of those deep brown eyes now speaking in English.  
“My love, why were you outside? it is near freezing out there,” And then, softer, trying to understand rather than reprimand, “Can you explain to me what made you to do this?” As Alex stared into those concerned eyes, they opened their mouth to release the torrent of thoughts that had begun flooding their brain the moment they had re-entered the warm house, they realized that for once, all words had left them, they had no way of explaining, and after a moment of standing there, mouth open, waiting for words that weren’t coming, they closed it and settled on shaking their head, the prickling of tears starting behind their own eyes, still staring into those deep dark brown ones, begging wordlessly for the other person to understand, to read the thoughts directly from their brain, but it was futile, as the other sighed and directed them further away from the glass doors with the arm that was wrapped around their shoulders, and Alex suddenly realized that that warm, heavy, solid, weight been there the whole time, since the quilt had been settled over their still-shaking shoulders.  
“Kitten, when you are ready to talk, you know I am here and always willing to listen even if I a elsewhere, correct?”  
A nod, in response.  
“You cannot keep doing this Alex, one of these days I will not be here to catch you.”  
A confused glance to the side, now, not comprehending what was meant by ‘keep doing this’ but continued to listen.  
A heavy sigh, then, “You could have died tonight, had I not been here. You cannot keep being so careless with your life, Alexander, it is precious, you are precious to me.”  
Finally, words came, but not the right ones, their brain-to-mouth connection having been frozen by the cold, not yet thawed, trapping the words in their brain, dooming them to a fate as inarticulate concepts, not able to come out of their mouth as eloquent sentences that would make Lafayette understand, all that ended up coming out of their mouth were words usually so carefully guarded, only let out in the private corners of themself, onto paper, poured into their most private writings when the feelings wouldn’t let them sleep, into a chunk of their life’s works, yet now spilling out unbidden to the one they never meant to tell, “It makes it all go away, makes the bad thoughts stop, makes me not just a waste, blocks out all of the bad feelings but lets the ones I like stay, like the quiet, that’s my favorite thing, is the quiet, the cold, feels good, makes me think that maybe now it’ll all just..” Alex was running out of steam but found the one last word they needed, a “Stop,” before falling quiet as their throat seemed to close again, forcing the words to a stop, too late, after they revealed some of the brokenness inside them to their partner, and now they really would be thrown away, traded in for someone who wasn’t so much work, who didn’t have to resort to freezing or otherwise causing detriment to themselves in order to feel alive, for someone who didn’t have run into the cold nearly naked in order to leave their demons behind, the voices that plagued them remaining in the warm house as they stood in the icy winter air and relished in the feeling of being able to finally breathe, each inhale a relief even as it burned its way down their throat, pricking it with little fingers of frost on the way into their lungs, puffing out into white smoke as it was released.  
“Mon cher,” came the reply, barely more than an exhale as the other still didn’t understand, and Alex couldn’t help them understand, words trapped in their brain, unable to escape from their mouth and help to make sense of this madness.

“I do not believe I can help you in this, I believe maybe you require more, eh, how is it,  
professionnel help in resolving this, but maybe that is a discussion for tomorrow, yes?”  
Alex was stumbling as they were lead along, leaning into the one they loved heavily, eyes blinking slowly as a heavy exhaustion overtook them, but they couldn’t sleep yet, they had to release the words, let the ink of their pen take the words away as they were finally unlocked when Alex sat at their desk with a pen connected to their brain, not needing to pass through their mouth on the way onto the sheet, but their eyes were closing against their will, a protesting whine escaping as the one they truly loved picked them up bridal-style, soothing shushing noises coming to Alex’s ears as they were carried up a flight of stairs into their shared bedroom, eyes opening long enough to catch a glimpse of their desk as they were placed on a soft mattress, and tenderly changed into soft but warm pajamas, then tucked underneath the covers, and a kiss brushed against their forehead moments before they were spooned from behind,  
“We will talk tomorrow, chaton, sleep now,” and they were too tired to do anything but listen, unwritten words slipping away into the night, escaping into the night air, dancing around just out of reach until the morning when they would return to them, slightly less fluid then they had been in moments previous, yet still there, imprinted in the brain that came up with them until they were transcribed onto paper, immortalized forever onto the white paper.

**Author's Note:**

> All of these translations are from google translate, feel free to yell at me if they're wrong  
> Novio = sweetheart or boyfriend  
> Cariño = sweetie or honey  
> Mon Dieu! Mon amour, que faisais-tu dans le froid? Il suffit de te regarder, ici, viens, nous devons te réchauffer. Oh, tu es aussi froid que la glace..." = My God! My love, what were you doing in the cold? Just look at you, here, come on, we have to warm you up. Oh, you're as cold as ice ... "  
> Mon Cher = My Dear  
> Chaton = Kitten  
> Professionnel = Professional  
> Work name is from the song by The Gray Havens, doesn't have anything to do with the fic, but it comes highly recommended.  
> Just a note, Alex is in a very unhealthy place mentally this entire fic. The tag for self harm is in reference to when it says they have 'caused detriment' to themself before, its not referencing cutting or burning, but rather putting themself in harms way, like walking outside in freezing temperatures with nothing but a tank top and short shorts on. Please take care of yourselves, guys, you're all worth so fucking much, and Happy Winter Holidays guys :)


End file.
